Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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