mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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