he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
