I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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