my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
i now understand why vodka
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
