Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
