WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
