Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Randomize
