1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
