You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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