She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
time to smoke my breakfast
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
