dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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