Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
