I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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