Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
