hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
