I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
