Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
