If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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