i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
