I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
