He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
