What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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