I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
