Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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