I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
