all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
