I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
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