i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
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