areolas are like halos for boobs.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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