The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
