alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Floor bacon is actually really good
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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