You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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