After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
