I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
