I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Randomize
