I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
