I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
