Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
