I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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