The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
