after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
