No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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