i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
and she was petting her beer can
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
