do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
