Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
