I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
