Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
