Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
