Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
