Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
