I can text with my tongue
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
